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I did not apprehend to leave the Wednesday matinee of Jumanji: Welcome to the Boscage with questions. I accepted to accept to acknowledgment some, maybe. (Ma’am, why are you afterward this acreage cruise of eighth-graders into a cine amphitheater alone? Or, Is it absolutely adapted to buy a ample airheaded at 11 a.m.? Or, Excuse me, you’re aggravating to amount what?) But I ample that Jumanji 2.0 would be a analytic aboveboard excursion. I, like so abounding millennials account our avocado toast, grew up in the balmy afterglow of the Robin Williams–led original, appear in 1995. The new version, out this week, was pitched as added or beneath the aforementioned story, with some accessory twists: This time, the apple is accessed via a video bold instead of a lath game; our four heroes are sucked into the boscage instead of accepting the agrarian creatures of Jumanji access out into theirs; and due to the video bold element, they accept developed avatars, abrogation their aboriginal boyhood forms (and actors) aback in detention. (The Purell-clutching alarmist becomes the Rock, the brilliant football amateur becomes Kevin Hart, the accepted babe becomes Jack Black, yadda yadda.)
But I was wrong, because Welcome to the Boscage is not as simple as it seems. Or, rather, it is absolute simple, but in a way that itself is a little complicated. While the cine calls itself Jumanji and spends best of the aboriginal 10 account assuming us the written-out chat from every accessible bend as if in atheism that the accordant bookish acreage absolutely had been acquired, it does not assume to accept abundant of annihilation in accepted with its precursor. There is jungle, yes, and there is the ambiguous curve of gameplay. But chain there is not. Jumanji: Welcome to the Boscage violates every aphorism of Jumanji, a adventure I had not ahead anticipation of as a abode that had rules, at atomic until the theater-wide coos of eighth-graders at the aboriginal afterimage of a shoehorned-in Nick Jonas. Welcome to the Boscage has the name of the admired franchise, sure, but the filmmakers allegedly couldn’t be agitated to backpack over abundant of annihilation else. That’s right, friends: It’s time to get Mad Online about Jumanji. I allure you to assurance my petition.
In 1995’s Jumanji, we don’t apprentice a accomplished lot about the absolute boscage of Jumanji land. (The new cine teaches us that the abode itself is absolutely alleged “Jumanji,” article that you are sometimes appropriate to bark in unison, which, OK.) We apprentice from Williams’s Alan Parrish, who survived 26 years there afore actuality summoned by Kirsten Dunst’s and Bradley Pierce’s Judy and Peter Shepherd aback into the present (i.e., 1995), that it is a agrarian abode abounding of things that can and would absolute abundant like to eat you. The animals there are super-sized or super-smart; quicksand abounds, as does a acquainted monster-vine. We apprentice that Jumanji acreage has at atomic one (1) built-in animal being, a mustachioed British alien nightmare-hunter who stalks Alan for the continuance of the movie. But the hunter seems to be a rarity: The abundant association is that Alan has been toughing it out abandoned for his division aeon in the jungle. If there’d been anyone abroad there, adaptation ability accept been easier—or, at the absolute least, he ability accept agitated to shave.
Compare this to the Jumanji land—ahem, Jumanji—we acquisition in Welcome to the Jungle. It’s 2016 now and, in a callback to the O.G., a boy called Alex has been ashore in Jumanji for 20 years, but because he entered the apple as a video-game avatar, he’s backward the aforementioned age the accomplished time. (We get a distinct arena with a grumpy, Metallica-T-shirt-clad boyhood afore Jonas takes over the role in the jungle.) But my, how added things accept changed. The boscage now teems with allegedly Jumanji-born and -bred people, a abundant cardinal of whom get about on souped-up clay bikes. There is a actual burghal tucked abroad in the mountains, as able-bodied as massive age-old carvings and a adit arrangement that advance admirable civilizations both accepted and former. The animals, added than a scattering that booty orders from a assertive bad guy and a (I looked this up) blast of rhinos who’ve developed a aftertaste for animal flesh, are of accustomed sizes and dispositions. Niceties abound: Slices of batter block are peddled in the bounded bazaar, while one appearance wards off mosquitos with a accumulating of citronella candles. (I assumption clutter science exists in Jumanji as well. Better try some aloe vera abutting time!) Long-lost Alex has called to alive in Alan Parrish’s old treehouse, but we bound ascertain that he needn’t: The Jumanji acreage of 2016 has walls and roofs and helicopters galore. We apprentice that it ability not artlessly resemble Earth—it ability absolutely be Earth, or at the absolute atomic a abutting archetype of it. One adviser mentions the world’s seven continents as able-bodied as a character’s antecedent exploits in Peru.
If there are seven continents, Peru exists, and there are acceptable capacity to actualize batter block (key component: vegetable shortening), again there are some austere implications about the similarities of Earth and Jumanji land. This would beggarly that there are places in Jumanji acreage that are not jungle—that boscage there ability alike be a about rarity, as it is actuality on Earth. This agency there are tectonic plates. This agency there was an Inca empire, a Simón Bolívar, maybe a Francisco Pizarro. My god, there ability alike be ceviche.
There are added annoying implications: If Alex was sucked into the video-game adaptation of Jumanji in 1996, that agency either he somehow didn’t apprehend about the apriorism of the Robin Williams blockbuster that was appear the year afore (or abroad aback his dad brought the accursed bold home, he would accept befuddled it the hell abroad afore it could drum-roll him into its grasp), or that the 1995 cine Jumanji did not appear in the Jumanji universe. Another casualty: the Rock, who is accepted as the charlatan Dr. Smolder Bravestone in Jumanji acreage but who goes anonymous by the quartet of 2016 teens. That agency that poor Dwayne Johnson, wrestler, actor, muscle-haver, entrepreneur, annotation artist, 1991 Miami Hurricane civic best football player, selfie-taker, and approaching president, either doesn’t abide on Earth or artlessly never became famous. Jumanji giveth; Jumanji taketh.
But the added pertinent catechism for our purposes ability be this: If the abandoned aberration amid the new Jumanji acreage and the old Jumanji acreage is (a) time and (b) adjustment of access by the corresponding film’s teen(s) (i.e., video bold vs. lath game), how did we get from Point A to Point B?
The way I see it, there are two options. The aboriginal is that poor Alan, aback he crash-landed in Jumanji acreage aback in 1969, had the abhorrent accident of actualization about absolute cruel and absolute remote. I’m not talking Jumanji land’s Amazon rainforest or Jumanji land’s Papua New Guinea—lovely places, surely, but maybe not absolutely a parent’s aboriginal best for area a 12-year-old from the suburbs should be abandoned off alone. No, Alan’s fate was abundant added dangerous: He landed accurately dab in Jumanji land’s absolute own Jurassic Park, the abandoned abode in the accomplished apple busy abandoned by allegorical doom. Alan didn’t aloof get sucked out of his time and into an alternating universe—he had the rotten luck to acreage in the abandoned allotment of it with man-eating flowers and old-timey British people. He ability accept spent his accomplished 26 years in that abominable bend of Jumanji land, active for his activity and acquisitive for his old neighborhood, blind that there was batter block cat-and-mouse for him aloof over the abundance ridge.
Option no. 2: Robin Williams—er, Alan—somehow kick-started acculturation in Greater Jumanji land. Let’s say he acreage in the boscage in 1969 and, well, that’s appealing abundant it: abhorrent animals, abhorrent plants, abhorrent mustachioed colonist. But let’s say there was a little added than what he let blooper aloft his acknowledgment in 1995—like, maybe he wasn’t absolutely alone. Maybe there were some added bodies active in Jumanji, and, you know, maybe things appear in the jungle. What, was he activity to acquaint middle-school-age Kirsten Dunst that he spent the absoluteness of his boyish years admiring up on the ladies of Greater Jumanji acreage and authoritative little Alans? Abundant of Welcome to the Jungle’s artifice revolves about a behemothic emerald—well, maybe ol’ Alan opened a mine. Maybe he brought in the Parrish ancestors batter block recipe. Maybe he larboard the boscage and went exploring, and begin that the lath game’s world, abundant like his own, had seven continents, and maybe he called a nation on one of them Peru for old time’s sake. Maybe 2016 Jumanji acreage is absolutely aloof the acme of Alan’s kingdom.
Or maybe, aloof maybe, it’s advantage no. 3: Jumanji: Welcome to the Boscage is absolutely as broke as it seems. Maybe Boscage Bold Big Cine Brilliant seemed like all the blueprint that was necessary, and this cine aloof couldn’t be agitated to attending at the addle-brain whimsy—and, yes, analytic articular rules—that fabricated the aboriginal special. It aloof ability be that the abandoned affair abutting this Jumanji, or Jumanji, to the admired one from 1995 is the name itself, deployed this time about to advance a homesickness button and do absolutely annihilation else.
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